- TALE OF TWO CARROTS
There were two carrots walking down the road, a big carrot and a little carrot. On the other side of the road they see their friend cabbage in his cabbage patch.
Big carrot says: "Let's go visit cabbage on the other side of the road."
Little carrot says: "But there is so much traffic here I'm afraid I might get run over."
Big carrot says: "Nonsense, just wait for a break in the traffic and run as fast as you can."
Big carrot sees a break in the traffic and runs over to cabbage. He then calls to is friend to try. Little carrot gets ready, sees a break in the traffic and runs across the road. Unfortunately there was a big truck coming and little carrot gets squashed in the middle of the road. Big carrot feels really bad and scoops his friend up and takes him to the hospital. The doctors perform emergency surgery.
After several hours the doctor comes out. "I have some good news and some bad news."
Big carrot says: "Ok doc, go ahead, I can take it."
The doctor says, "Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
- GOD'S APPLES
At a Catholic gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying,
"Take only one apple please - God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a student had placed a sign on saying,
"Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."
- DINNER PARTY
A woman hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
- Christmas Stamps
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
- Across The Fence
First Farmer: Did the tornado damage your barn last night?
Second Farmer: Don't Know. Haven't seen it yet.
First Farmer: My brother bought a farm that's an inch wide and a mile long?
Second Farmer: What can he grow on a farm like that?
First Farmer: Spaghetti, I guess.
First Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged?
Second Farmer: I'd give him all the time he wanted to pay off the bill.
First Farmer: How do you tell the weeds from the valuable plants?
Second Farmer: If it pulls out easily, it's a valuable plant.
Our nation's Big 3 auto manufacturers face bankruptcy.
We must go back to the old time basics.
Americans will soon need to embrace the original SUV.
- UNCLASSIFIED
Excerpts from classified sections of newspapers:
Quarter horse mare. Well bread.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service.
Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
- BIG ACREAGES
The farmer from Texas was traveling through Vermont and stopped to talk to a local farmer.
"How large of an acreage do you cultivate?" the Texan asked.
"Oh, it's pretty big," the Vermonter replyed. "My farm extends for about a hundred yards in that direction and for nearly a hundred-twenty yards in that. And how large an acreage do you handle?"
The Texan smiled.
"Back home," he said, "I have a ranch with my house located at one end. I can get into my truck at the house in the morning, turn the ignition key, step on the gas, and by the end of the day I still won't have reached the other end."
The Vermont farmer nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, that's tough. I once had a truck like that, too."
- TEAMWORK
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't
respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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4Continued: #2
- COMPUTERSPEAK FOR FARMERS
Modem: What you did to the hay field and ditches.
Keyboard: Where you hang the keys when you finish work.
Windows: What you shut when cold weather sets in.
Windows 98: Temperature at which you must have them open.
Log On: What you put on the stove after you shut windows.
Mouse: A rodent found in the barn.
Hard Drive: Traveling during a blizzard.
Download: Getting firewood off the pick-up.
Megahertz: What you'll have if you're not careful downloading.
Floppy Disk: An indication that your machinery needs repair.
Microchips: What your calves leave in the pasture.
Computer: What you say when you call your hound "Puter".
Byte: What Puter does if you don't feed him when you call.
This page was last updated: February 1, 2010
Copyright © 2000 Larson Century Ranch, Inc. ~ All Rights Reserved
P. O. Box 1982
Clarkston, WA 99403
Telephone: 509-758-5445
FAX: 509-758-5701
E-Mail: Sales@LarsonCenturyRanch.com
Web Design: Design Carte
- THE RAFFLE
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, Sorry, but I have some bad news: "The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500
tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Click Here: Mad Cow
The following Cattle / Cow Sounds Are Hilarious. To hear them, simply click on the links below.
8ROAD APPLES
COWBOY UP...
